hello, i hope this finds you soft in heart, tender hearted, open hearted, and resilient and flexible in an otherwise divisive and chaotic point of being human on this rock hurdling through space and time. i also hope you are ever expanding, just like the universe.
i have been navigating being in a new city, a new role, new expectations, without much support in real life, and both new and old challenges. through that, my body is still healing from cancer, i am still engaged in a deep therapeutic training with dr. gabor mate and dr. sat dharam kaur called “compassionate inquiry” which is adding to my skills through supporting people in mindfulness coaching sessions, i am navigating being across the country from my loved ones that i miss with an anxious dog whose life has also radically changed, and i am back in the thrones of being a daily performer and entertainer in the commercial radio show realm.
i have been wondering how to be a creative within all these challenges and minimal time or space for myself. i have so many creative ideas but due to capitalism and much change and personal loss, have to push those things to the wayside… still. including this substack, which is very important to me, and takes time and space i haven’t had much of lately within all of these moving pieces, both externally and internally. thank you for being here.
i have, mostly, been feeling like i live in a constant overwhelm of the world and existence. it is painful to see. it is painful to try to “accept” while acting for change. it feels painful to feel alone in some of these ways. it seems like a lot of blissful snoozing is happening, still. and we have lost our common humanity, our connection to each other, because it is the “norm” to be so disconnected, truly, from ourselves. whole systems and industries make money, profit off of you hating yourself, not feeling good enough, and being disconnected. from the endless scroll.
where you spend your time is crucial. where and who and what you give your energy to is more important than ever.
my heart breaks daily and cries in agony over the ongoing realities of israel and palestine. in the last 30+ days, i have been educating myself and learning about 75 years worth of pain. and in a way i am grateful to having woken up to one slice of injustice in this world. i have been emailing my MP, the prime minister, doing my best to take action, noticing where i feel limited, and speaking up online sharing others voices while remaining tender. i have attended talks, watched instagram lives, participated in q & a, and am reading much information daily. this is not performative action, i am merely sharing my current experience and learning. i have also been consciously taking breaks, incorporating small joys, and taking care of myself without falling into the notion of “self care” as total obliteration or any actual care for others.
i believe that we have a social responsibility to others, especially if you have certain basic needs met and levels of privilege. i often can drown so deeply in the pain and suffering of others, from being what some would call “a deeply empathetic person,” taking action but feeling helpless, not seeing the change i [and many others] desperately cry out for. i do have to be careful and aware. my spiritual teacher will say: “can you not trust that the world can take care of itself? can you not trust others that are in less of a survival mode than you to step in?” and he’s right, so i have to take breaks and try to “trust” or “have faith,” and even that is really hard.
i have also lost so-called friends who think i am inhumane calling for a ceasefire and for the basic human rights of others, specifically the palestinian people.
i have watched people be fired or lose their jobs for “speaking up.”
i have felt afraid for my own job security.
i have watched others celebrate, take joy, even pleasure in the killing of others.
i have felt immense disappointment in others who have not publicly decried this genocide.
i have felt disgust at the “spiritual community” who, some, are “love and light”ing their way through another global travesty. thank you to bell hooks who taught me there cannot be love without justice. i have seen very little numbers of white men speaking about this. shoutout to dr. gabor mate for his work and stance, and his sons aaron and daniel.
i have felt frustrated that people will still go to healers or helpers or coaches or experts or grifters who are NOT ACTIVELY ANTI-RACIST, who do not come from a trauma-informed lens, who do not operate from intersectionality and de-colonization.
i have felt agony from witnessing certain people PROFIT OFF this so-called WAR.
in case i’m not clear, it should not be a radical act for calling for the end of mass murders and killings of a certain people, specifically palestinians. it should not be “political” to say we do not support the killing of innocent people.
the trauma is immense. and this trauma will continue to be passed on. the trauma is also felt, deeply, by others. i am not certain what will happen next.
but as someone who is living for the healing of others and herself, hoping for the lessening of suffering of others and herself, i persist. i take the small moments in stride and hope that more people wake up, or question their programmed narratives and beliefs, in this and everything in their lives.
one person i follow [@a.key.lah_ on instagram] shared: “the world needs liberation from global colonization.”
i encourage you to look deeper, if you haven’t already.
this time reminds me so much of the “pandemic;” it has felt like this divineness between humans will not end. the haves and the have-nots. the different levels of privilege and class. how many people do not have basic human rights or safety. the incessant suffering of others. how apathy is easier than empathy, for most. the blissful, blissful fucking ignorance that i just can’t understand or accept. the polarizations, on-going, within society and humanity, of “us” verses “them.”
am i naive for wishing many can see it is only and has only ever been “us?”
i do not and will not give up. i have gone through so much in this life that has tried to break me, and while i have not experienced living in a war torn or stricken country, i empathize and cannot turn away. i will see pieces reflected back to me, sometimes online, sometimes in real life. i have connected with many beauty full, tender hearts. i have learned much. also, it’s worth mentioning that this isn’t exactly a “war” but has been spun this way; i have seen no palestinian civilian with any kind of weapon. no one is protecting them. over 10k+ palestinians [that we know of] have been killed, half of those numbers just children. can you imagine yourself as a child, experiencing this? hamas is a terrorist organization that was essentially created out of need by the israli government. what happened on october 7th to the citizens of israel, the pillaging, the murders, the assaults, the hostages taken and held to this day is also an unspeakable tragedy. i am sickened by the abominable actions and yet do not place it onto people. people are not their governments, just like i am not the canadian government who has also chosen to spend $30+ million of our tax dollars on the genocide of palestinians. this feels highly ironic and insane to me as i watch our indigenous people suffer greatly, STILL, due to colonization and the harm created. “reconciliation” a word politicians try on their lips as if it were a lipstick shade of the day. many indigenous communities here in so-called-canada still do not have clean drinking water. the intergenerational trauma of the effects of residential school and the 60’s scoop still perceptible daily.
there are many things happening in this world, and i understand it’s our choice [and privilege, here in western society] of which we want to care about, consume, or try to understand or advocate for.
within this all, i have felt a missing of a depth of myself.
thankfully, i found an audio recording that i made for no one and nothing but myself, a year ago exactly to the day. i remember [not so ironically] exactly where i was and how i felt: soft, open, loving, hopeful, aching, angry, sad, clear, curious, introspective, in awe, present.
i share these pieces of myself with you now.