i haven't been honest with you.

what i've been up to the last few months and why you should care...

hello friends, ex-lovers, and total creeps.

thanks for not only subscribing to my new e-newsletter, but also for actually opening it up. in a swirling sea of constant self-promotion and noise, it feels really cool that you give a damn enough to take a moment to hear what i have to say right now. i greatly appreciate you being here, like mega big time.

if you’ve been following my journey // life // daily existential crisis for a while now, you have probably wondered what my next moves are or will be. i’ve been constantly told what i “should” be doing after my abrupt and kind of rude exit from the mainstream commercial radio world. for a year, suggestions have been dumped, ideas have been stormed [mostly without me asking] as everyone took a big old “should” all over me daily. first off, i know people *usually* and *generally* mean well. you have great intentions when you’ve told me what to do! [lolz] or have pointed out, “hey why aren’t you on tiktok?” [also lolz]. i first moved to the sunshine coast, bc last october and didn’t tell anyone for a while. i was trying to carve out some space and time for me to just be… not have to be this radio personality or identity or someone that had to respond to any sort of audience or “shoulds.” many people assumed i moved to new york, la, and even toronto to pursue bigger things; little did they know, i got a puppy and moved to the middle of the woods for my biggest pursuit yet.

learning how to be alone. living in solitude. marinating in the unknown, loss of control, uncertainty, losing your sense of self with job loss, identity-less, in and among packs of coyotes, bears, mega bugs, and oh yes, all of that extreme isolation… all pre-covid. and i’ve worked hard.

i’ve used this time to tackle some of my lingering wounds. i’ve been working on myself for the last 16 years and it feels like i’ve tried every healing modality possible. however, i had not yet tried blowing up my life and identity entirely, and at that point with nothing much else to lose [literally, i sold most of my furniture and belongings] i took a risk, and one that didn’t really make sense to others [a theme in my life].

a recent message i received said, “i’m waiting with interest to see what the next phase of your life looks like. you can’t hide away up the coast forever when you clearly have a greater purpose. can’t wait to see you discover it and unleash it on the world. in the meantime, a second volume of your poems would be cool.” [find my first collection i see you. i am you. here].

why does it gotta be hiding on the coast? why couldn’t it be living and thriving? i decided to do a little digging …

a few weeks ago i asked for your feedback on instagram, asking three different things:

firstly, “what are the first three words // feelings // things that come to mind when you think of me?”

secondly, “what do you think i could be doing as a career // job // project?”

and thirdly, “what is one thing that i’m doing - or not doing - where you see me getting in my own way?”

the responses were overwhelming.

i’ve been reading the feedback, opinions, thoughts, reflections, and shares the last few weeks with much gratitude and thankfulness; i feel like some of you truly do see me. i also really appreciated receiving feedback because this time, i asked for it.

when it came to the first three words or ideas that came to mind, you were generous: open hearted, brave, genuine, empathetic, free spirit, supportive, authentic, passionate, listener, safe, truth, soulful, helper, healer, vulnerable, advocate, poetic, honest, compassionate, raw, funny, grounded, educational, artist, real, loving. the list went on and on and i made sure to screenshot it and tattoo them to the backs of my eyelids.

because i believe in total transparency and vulnerability, i don’t always have the best attitude. i also identify as: imperfect, a depressive, emotional, one that can lead with their emotions [if not careful], deeply vulnerable, both open and guarded, sensitive, sad, angry, often not willing to let go, impulsive, and someone who is still working on their own healing. NONE of these things are bad things, but they are still part of who i am. we don’t learn from being perfect people, we learn from our fuck ups. we learn from our challenges. we learn from our suffering, our pain. we learn from our mistakes, our failures - but dare i say that perhaps both of those terms don’t really exist?

now let me just say this because i’m sure some of you are assuming: it’s not that i needed anyone to tell me what to do, but i was curious to receive the feedback. and the feedback gave me a high five right to the heart that perhaps i was moving toward better days… a more authentic life and using my skills and talents in more meaningful ways. because what you didn’t know then was that a few months prior i had already made a decision, and i was curious if anyone could see it coming.

a resounding 85% of you said what you felt would be natural for me to explore is life coaching // counselling // working with at-risk youth in some capacity // a non-conventional form of therapy // inspirational speaking // leading retreats or workshops focused on healing and creativity and presence // helping // healing in any capacity. the other 15% argued i should be back on the radio [le sigh, i hear you], an entertainer, youtuber, tiktok-er [i’m flattered but i’m too old], write more books, get back into marketing, or work for a non-profit. there was also the answers of “be a professional hermit” [lolz, tried that, didn’t really work out] or to become a tour guide [sorry, where are people going exactly? also lolz].

the truth is, i haven’t been entirely honest with you. no, i’m not purposely hiding or hiding anything, but there has been a bit of a good secret. a demanding, challenging, exhausting, and exciting secret.

a few months ago i made the decision to go back to school, at 35 years young. i’ve been in an intensive program full time for the last three months through a school in vancouver called rhodes wellness college. i’ve thought about this program for many years. i’ve thought about getting into counselling and therapy for many years. after being curled up in the fetal position in the woods for nearly a year, crying every day and grieving the loss of who i thought i was, i pulled up my spanx and decided to just try something [just kidding, i don’t own a pair of spanx but maybe i’d like to one day?]. to just try this. despite and also because of my fears and my own limiting beliefs. because of covid times, this has meant i’ve been in class every day on zoom for six hours a day. the zoom drain is real, especially when you’re talking about emotions, feelings, empathy, listening, problem solving, relationships, communication styles, self-responsibility and a plethora of other things to become a certified life coach. i’ve been coaching people almost every day.

but, i’m coaching. i’m a life coach. i’m an accredited life coach. oh my god… i’m a life coach? mic check, one two: oh yes, a life coach. the words still stick in my throat and have a tendency to make me gag for a bit. but wait! maybe i’ve been one for much longer than i’ve given myself credit for? regardless, it was important for me to get some actual credentials if i was going to stop resisting this path i’ve been guided to. a real accredited program, accredited through the international coaches federation [this is a real thing] so you know it’s a legit method of coaching and has ethical standards. you may or may not be aware that i’ve been working with clients since the start of the pandemic. i have been helping people navigate that change, uncertainty, loss of control, loneliness, the exact things i’ve navigated here in the woods and for much of my life. i have learned a lot, and will always continue to learn. it’s just the way it is. i have a website over here and there are some nice things people said about me there, people who i’ve helped. there’s a huge post on instagram about it that delves into it a little more [but also not to the extent that this newsletter does, so again, GO YOU! and thank you, if you’re still reading even now]. if you’re ready to book a session you can do it here.

whoa whoa whoa ceej… i need to hear some more please.

1. what exactly is a life coach, and why does the term make me cringe? well, first, the latter: because there are a lot of people who are scam artists out there, taking advantage of vulnerable people, ripping them off, regurgitating words, moving their arms around shouting but seemingly not having experienced much themselves and just saying words. i hate when anyone just says words. nothing irritates me more! but i realized that being annoyed by the phonies out there was no longer a reason for me to play small and not step into the space of helping others, something that i’ve been doing for many years already. and that first step towards the space, for me, was becoming accredited. the international coaches federation defines coaching as partnering with clients in a thought provoking and creative process that inspires them to maximize their personal and professional potential. the life coach certification that i have completed focuses on life skills: problem-solving behaviours appropriate and responsibly applied in the management of one’s personal affairs. this looks like: giving and receiving feedback, problem solving, identifying assumptions, achieving goals, evaluating effectiveness, expressing feelings, planning, asking for help, asking questions, and many other things. i am also certified to lead and facilitate group coaching sessions and workshops.  read more about this on my new website.

2. is a life coach like a counsellor or therapist? the biggest differences between coaching and counselling is coaching is conversations that exist in the present moment and what you want to do in the future. of course, therapists have a high level of academic training and may focus more in depth around trauma, crisis, and addiction. while coaching acknowledges the past, it does not live there. i feel that both therapy and coaching are inherently necessary. here are some other quick comparisons for you, if you find this confusing:
   
   - a therapist deals mostly with a person’s past and trauma.

   - coaching deals mostly with a person’s present and seeks to guide them to a more desirable future. yes, we DO acknowledge the past. but we want to move you FORWARD. 

   - a therapist-client relationships can sometimes feel like the therapist has all the answers.

   - a coach DOES NOT claim to have your answers; a coach offers co-creative, equal partnership for the client to discover their own innate wisdom. i help you access what perhaps is buried within, but what you may already have within you. 

   - therapists can sometimes assume that many emotions are a symptom of something being wrong.

   - coaches assume emotions are natural and not only that, explore them, and seek to normalize them.

   - therapists can diagnose [again, they have much more academic training and studies] and can give clients guidelines to a path for healing.

   - coaches stand with you, help identify your challenges, and work together to turn those challenges into victories. YES, i will hold you accountable to help you get you to where you want to be.

   * no, i am NOT a therapist [yet], i am a coach, and i have experienced my role as a helper, friend, confidant, and witness that these conversations are deeply transformative for personal growth, self-awareness, and strengthening your inner compass. 

there’s so much more i can say, but let’s get to what i can help you with.

3. what can you help me with? my work is focused in depression, anxiety, grief, loss, and heartache. to break it down even more, we can tackle: repairing relationships, big life changes, job loss, questions around identity, wanting to move forward, confronting fears, exploring deep emotions, feeling alone // isolation // solitude, existential dread [for real], communication issues, women’s health, toxic masculinity, shadow work // shame, goals [it’d be rude to not mention goals]. as part of my coaching practice, i offer free sessions to youth in need. if you’re feeling generous you can donate any cash amount to a session for a youth in need to get support from me.

4. what other trainings should you be bragging about to me? you mean, in addition to life coach certification through rhodes wellness college? i’m a certified hatha yoga teacher through prana yoga college and trained meditation teacher through hiroko demichelis. i’ve completed courses through yale university [the science of well-being], the university of toronto [the arts and science of relationships: understanding human needs], dr. gabor mate [masterclass for healers], leiden university [de-mystifying mindfulness], university of sydney [positive psychiatry & mental health], and the gottman institute [emotion coaching: the heart of relating to your children]. i’d also like to brag that [in case you didn’t know] i’m a former long-time radio and television host with over 15 years experience, self-published poet, and beloved deep feeler and over sharer.

5. well ceej this sounds great - i’d like to try a session but i don’t have the funds. i hear that. the irony is that a majority of people who truly need support when it comes to their mental and emotional wellness are marginalized, don’t have benefits or coverage, and often live cheque to cheque or beyond their means and can’t seemingly justify it or are afraid to part with dollars for something they’re unsure of. but the truth is: our friends and family, partners, co-workers, or strangers on the internet aren’t the ones who should be or are truly equipped to help us navigate our minds. we need support through coaches, counsellors, therapists, social workers, other healing modalities, and it’s unfortunate that currently, there are barriers and access to these people are limited unless you come from privilege and money. i’m going to be running an instagram contest very soon [shush don’t tell anyone i told you that before i tell everyone that] and it’d be my pleasure to offer you one of the free sessions available for you to experience what coaching is like with me.

6. what about becoming a counsellor or therapist, or working with at-risk youth? i am working on that. :) my coaching practice offers free sessions for youth in need. working with youth is important to me [they’re the future of the human race, duh].

7. what about the “old you?” will you still be a radio host, poet, speaker, mental health advocate, writer, or release your podcast? i’m not sure. i’ve been wondering if i should delete everything i’ve ever shared on the interwebs at this point. does it make me less professional when i’ve shared the depths of my pain and vulnerabilities online, in a book, and on the air? i think it makes me more relatable. more human. more me. i will always be a writer. i will always be an artist that expresses my human experience through words. i think i will do more podcasts… that might look a little different. i’d like to release some video content. i’m not entirely sure about all these things because a) i don’t work with a marketing or branding team and b) i want to get to helping people on a daily, regular. that is the most important to me right now. i will definitely be creating some other things. i’m a creator. and i came here to love.
   
   in terms of radio host life, there was nothing more that i loved than connecting with you daily. i aspire to continue that connection, but in a deeper way, where i am actually helping people more, and contributing to the betterment of society. it pains me to think of the loss that i feel when i don’t get to see my long time compadre and cohost james sutton anymore; i miss him dearly. when we abruptly parted ways we both joked that he’d become a realtor and i a life coach - and here we are! LOLZ. i realized that these are necessary and needed roles, both natural to us, people who live and breathe human connection and love helping others live better lives. here’s jamesy-boy’s website as a realtor: he’s all growed up and i’m so immensely proud of him!!

finally, doing something new is scary. starting something new, when you don’t really know how to begin, is overwhelming. entirely terrifying. the amount of tremors my heart has rallied the last six months has almost been too much at times. am i doing the right thing? is investing in myself and this program dumb? will anyone take me seriously? but like… WHO can i help? [turns out, a lot of people. you’ve been coming to me and flooding my inbox for the last seven years in times of need and times of crisis]. what’s cool is that i get to do my own work continuously with the people that support me and realize that these limiting beliefs were programmed into my head at a young age. i can notice them, but i do not need to let them define me. i’m still in my own work on myself. that never ends.

ultimately, it’s this for me:

~ we have this one life [that we know of]; i’m not going to waste it doing things that don’t matter. ~

i’m constantly humbled for the care that this community has shown me. i never take the trust you’ve given me for granted; i have held some of you reading this in your most vulnerable of moments and i look forward to supporting you in new ways, to be there to celebrate your growth, depth, and inner exploration of this beautiful experience that we call being human. thank you for reading. thank you for feeling.

💖